Destiny

How does one live life with a sense of destiny?

What does it feel like to live life like that?

What is destiny?

I had an impression it is a great life. I had a taste of it in Leeds, when somehow the chores of daily life and the drudgeries of daily routines did not seem mundane at all, but instead appear to fit into some bigger picture...a bigger picture that contained my destiny.

I sensed it when I was preaching and actively serving God in networking activities around the country. When I was at the height of my ministry, I felt nothing could be better than that. Life was wonderful. I enjoyed tremendous popularity and recieved one speaking engagement after another. So this is my destiny...serving God like this...or I thought.

When that was taken away from me, something died. I guess it was the absence of living life with a bigger vision, or a bigger goal. But I continued serving God where I was...thinking the local church life and church ministry was the real destiny God had called me to.

But that too, had been taken away from me recently.

So what is my destiny? Maybe I have no destiny. I often hear people comment they are not really useful in the Kingdom of God, especially when they compare themselves to people who are in prominent or obvious positions of service. Or when they compare themselves to people of tremendous giftings.

Add in the factor of having been used by God once before and then having that taken away... and you multiply the sense of uselessness by ten times. And that is what I have been feeling.

A lostness. A uselessness. And of course, an emptiness.

Suddenly the chores of daily life and the drudgeries of daily routines feel very mundane. Deep seated memories of church leadership, bible studies and expositional preaching...things I used to love so much...became distant objects that happened once upon a time in a distant land. Life becomes devoid...of destiny. How can there be destiny when one is no longer serving God in church? Also, why put someone through so much experience of church leadership and church service and then take it all away...if that was not meant to be the ultimate destiny?

What has changed these past few days? Something obviously had, otherwise I would not be blogging about it.

The small but significant change came two days ago. I received an email asking me to go to Haiti to help as a doctor. A surgeon. In fact, they need surgeons. Very few surgeons available.

My emotions went up and down. I told my friend I was seriously considering it and would ask my boss the next day. Despite having just returned from the States, recovering from jetlag and feeling absolutely exhausted from work here in Taiwan, I was somewhat determined to go and help. Ignoring the tales of anarchy and violence, I started planning how to tell my bosses and my parents. I was due to leave in two days' time.

Then at 11 pm that night, the message came. Trip cancelled. Not enough volunteers.

Strangely I went to bed feeling at peace. It was as if I felt it was enitrely ok not to go...at least for the moment. The next day's surgery lasted from 9 am to 12 am. Stagering out of the hospital at midnight, I was somewhat glad that I wasnt going to Haiti the next day straight into an earthquake zone.

What was God doing? What was He saying to me?

The next day I made more enquiries and somehow didnt feel the same conviction to go just yet. Lots of practical reasons including my usefulness as a plastic surgeon, lack of peace and the seemingly improving siutation as reported by CNN were some of the factors. Also, I just didnt feel that it was right to talk to my bosses about leaving to Haiti.

But as I went to work this morning, there was suddenly a deep ache inside my heart. I wished I had gone.

I wished I was there, fulfilling a job of saving lives. I wished I have had the opportunity to go with Godly men and women from City Harvest whom I would have loved to fellowship and minister with to serve the poor and dying. But somehow it was as if God was still saying no to me...dont go yet.

Over the course of today, something did change, however. I felt a sense of destiny returning.

I suddenly realised there is somehting I can offer the world in times like these, where doctors make such a big difference...saving lives.

This may seem obvious to anyone else, but for me it seemed as if God was saying to me: "This is your destiny". Not just church leadership, church service and church ministry, but this.

Suddenly the years of training, the sacrifices made, the papers written, the hours spent awake fixing someone's finger of face...all seemed to make sense.

There are very few people who can do what I do. And God has led me on this path to be as excellent as I can in what I do, so that if called upon again the future, I can respond and make a difference.

In a way, this can only be experienced by someone who has gone through such a long training to finally feel as if there is something one can contribute. I graduated in 1997 (13 years ago!) and had gone through one of the longest training in the world. To suddenly realise that all of this training was for something, and that something is in God's plan for my life...is an awesome feeling.

Dr Manslow classified basic human needs as a pyramid. At the bottom is:

1. Physiological needs like food, shelter and basic survival. Then...
2. Need for safety and security.
3. Need for love and a sense of belonging.
4. Need for self esteem: ability to accept yourself and appreciate God for making you you.
5. Need for a sense of destiny: Why was I born? Wht is my role in this world?

He went on to conclude that people do not move up the scale from one need to another until the previous needs were met. All of our human needs can be classified into one of these...if you think about it. This is a fantastic tool for cell leaders as well, by the way, but that is another story.

Maybe right now I have a level 5 need. And God met it.

Back to Haiti...I guess what God wanted me to know was that He has a destiny for my life as a doctor. More importantly, He allowed me to see into my own heart the desire to serve Him as a doctor and to make full use of my skills and to fully enjoy what I am doing.

I am now in Taiwan pursuing my dream to learn cutting edge microsurgery, and He wants me to know this is a love for excellence that he has put into my heart and I can one day use it to glorify Him. One day, I may be called upon to do something no one else can, and I can use my training to do a job no one else can do. The disaster in Haiti somehow focused that into something very real.

Will I go to Haiti? I dont know. But for now, I will make sure I enjoy every single moment of my training, and continue to pursue my 'career' without any guilt or anxiety that somehow what I am doing is not 'church things'. Maybe He will one day restore my church ministry...maybe not, but for now, I have rediscovered my joy of living life with a destiny again.